Finding His glory in my weakness

I've been prompted to write about my mental problems for some time. I've been putting it off. Its why I never finished or posted my Two Years Later. I've been scared of what others will think of me. It has kept coming up and the feeling like I need to talk about this to other people. I was prompted again to write this tonight. My only guess is me talking about my problems will be used positively somehow. If I can help someone else or help others understand me better so I'm don't seem as stand-offish and odd, then that would be good. This is going to be in two parts, the hard part, then how He has helped me with it. Please don't judge too harshly and if you have any questions or comments, please feel free to message me directly.


The Hard Part:

Its hard for me to admit these things because of how much I toted around that I was healed when I was baptized. I was slapped in the face with a big 'ole 'no you are not!' earlier this year. That's been really hard for me to handle because I wanted so much for it to be true. I thought I had finally escaped mental illness, but you really can't get rid of life-long problems.

They can be worked on though. So they aren't as severe as they could be. Something that is extremely important that I want to point out is just because I've been handling it all on my own outside of help from Him, its not a good idea. If you have the ability to get treated, by all means go and do so!!! I don't have that option. Sometimes I wish I did.

I was born hyper sensitive with social problems. I developed bipolar type 2 a few years ago and more recently severe anxiety.

I had a child neurologist when I was very young that told my parents about the hypersensitivity and social problems. I was told he said the volume in my brain is turned up on high which makes me more sensitive to everything. I feel everything more. I take things in differently. What may be nothing to someone, may be a very big deal to me. It can be something simple, such as someone tells a joke and I may not think its funny. To something more complex, it used to be no one could touch me. It used to be, I couldn't handle someone being near me. If someone unexpectedly touched me, it didn't end well. It used to be if someone hugged me, I would lock up and wait for them to stop or I would freak out. I wouldn't even be able to handle my family being affectionate with me. For some reason I would feel like I was going to be attacked. Nothing to base that feeling off of. I just would. I have worked on that a lot. Its taken a great deal of work. In some ways I am not as sensitive as I used to be. I'm still sensitive and feel a lot, its just not as extreme. I don't get offended as easily. I can handle someone being near me, or a friendly hug. Its better if I'm asked first, if I don't really know you. I'm still kind of awkward about it, but I don't feel like I am being attacked anymore.

The social problems. Sometimes I half-joke about being born anti-social because that's the best way I can describe it. Yet its not completely true. I like being around people. I can't stand being alone. I will when I have to and have had to stand alone on plenty of things before. I sort of remember being told that when I was a kid, they put me in a room with other kids and toys. While the other kids chose to play together with what they had available, I chose one toy and the opposite side of the room to play by myself. The social problems affect me more than anything. When I am in big groups, I become very quiet, very shy, and reclusive. Something about it I just can't handle. Its not that I don't want to, its that I don't know how. I've tried and its extremely awkward. I don't feel like I belong in the big group. Like I just don't fit. If I have someone else with me that I know and am in the group, I am OK. I can handle that. To be specific, for me a large group is 5 or more people. It doesn't seem big, but it is to me. I am best in small groups. Myself plus two others is the easiest for me. One on one is also pretty good, but I have to be very comfortable with the other person. I don't make friends easily and often feel like I don't have any, even if I do.

I haven't gotten better at this. I am pretty much the same socially now as I was in school. I've always been the kid in the corner watching everyone else. Observing can be quite entertaining and useful. Its probably not as fun as being a part of things could be. The only time I really felt accepted and comfortable in a large group was back in junior year P.E. I always tried really hard because I was so bad at it. For some reason the upper classmen all joined together and supported me every time. They became my friends and allies. It was really really great.

I wish I could say I've experienced something like that at church, but I haven't. I would like to feel comfortable when I am able to go to my ward, but I don't. When I go up to bear my testimony, its because I was prompted to and I am following that. I don't go to any of the activities because of my social problems. I just feel really really uncomfortable whenever I have tried to go to something like that by myself. Sometimes it makes me feel really anxious. The other night I actually went to WHE because I was meeting one of the sisters there to visit teach. I was half comfortably sitting with space on either side. As people started coming in, I felt the need to run out. I was reminded to stay so I could visit teach. Then the person teaching requested that we all scoot in. I was going to stay put. It was offered to me to move over and I took it so I wouldn't be the only person not moving. Then I had people on either side of me. I was trying to distract myself with the lesson being taught so I wouldn't run out. When everyone left and it was just me and the girl I was teaching, I was fine and very comfortable. Its a battle. I know its going to be for a very long time.

For some reason when I am at work, I can just turn it on and be bright, happy, confident, and sociable. Its only while I am at work. Not the rest of the time and I don't know why. Its draining to be "on". I'm so tired afterwards. Probably because its not natural for me to be that way in groups of people. I've been able to change that a lot. When I got my first job, I was just as socially awkward on the clock as I was off. I started to be able to turn it on. I'm glad for that.

The bipolar 2. Most of the time if I tell someone that I am bipolar, they back off and ask me if I get manic and weird stuff. No I don't. I think most people when they hear "bipolar", they think bipolar 1. Which has the manic episodes, highly abnormal behavior, and usually have to be hospitalized for some time.

Bipolar 2 is considered a milder form of the illness. It consists of hypomanic episodes and severe depressive episodes. You likely wouldn't know I have it unless I point it out to you. My hypomanic episodes are much less severe than they used to be. I struggle the most with the severe depressive ones.

I used to be all over the place, all the time. My moods would flash on and off like a flashlight. I used to make very rash decisions about major things. I would go from on top of the world to no longer wanting to be on the world. I used to be extremely impulsive. I used to partake of dangerous behavior. I used to be rather aggressive. I used to be extremely paranoid. I would lose control of myself. Its was really really scary. I'd come back out of it and be like, what did I do? I was in my worst when I was diagnosed. I drove my family and then boyfriend absolutely bonkers. I was able to reel it in at work, but then it would release full force the rest of the time. There wasn't anything I could do. The psychiatrist at the time wanted me on mood stabilizers and an anti-psychotic. As well as wanted me to be in dialectal behavior therapy for a year plus see her once a week. I had the insurance. I didn't have the money or the time. It conflicted with my work schedule. Plus I am very stubborn and have an attitude that I can handle anything and everything. I refused and went about doing what I was. I'd calm down and be alright for a while. I'd figure, I have this, I can beat it, I don't need a psychiatrist to tell me what do. I'd swing up and down with periods of what I consider normal.

Now, my moods don't flash. I don't partake of dangerous behavior. I am not aggressive. I'm not paranoid. I am impulsive, just not as bad as I was. I'm impulsive on relatively small things. I used to spend whatever and worry about bills later. Now I worry about bills first.

I have been confused for OCD and ADD. Sometimes I care a lot about how something is organized or I have a very specific way of doing things and become irritable if someone messes it up. Its small things though. Like color order, organization of hanger size, or how I would have my desk arranged. That comes out more at work than at home. Sometimes I'm rather flighty and can't concentrate on anything.

Those are actually part of the hypomania or up swing. Its kind of odd, but not odd enough to make you think there is really something wrong. I am impulsive. My last big impulsiveness was when I bought my rats, when I decided I was going to make three blankets - one fleece tie and two crocheted. I felt the need to mother something other than my cats. At the moment I had the money so I did. I'll get super into doing something. Be really passionate about whatever that is. Whether it be school, crafts, working out, cleaning, types of food, or snacks. If I can buy it, I do. Then usually once I have whatever it is, I no longer want it or want to do it. That will be followed by a downswing brought on from spending too much money. I am consciously making a real effort to control my impulses. I will feel the need, but before going off to get or do whatever, I stop and think. Do I really need it? Do I actually want it? Or do I just want it to want it? Will I actually use what I want to get? What will I do if I don't? What are the possible consequences of following the impulse? What better can I save the money for? After going through those questions, sometimes more than once, I will find the answer is usually no. When I talk myself out of the impulse, then it no longer seems so much fun or so much like an awesome idea. I am really glad that I am learning to stop and think before acting.

The down swings is when you can see there might be something wrong with me. When I drop down, I don't just dip like I do with the hypomania, I fall and fall hard. I hate my down swings so much. Sometimes I can start to feel like I am headed down. There isn't anything that I have found that can prevent the down swing or lessen the time I am in it. I just have to wait. There are other times that I am fine one part of the day, then the next, I'm down and out. This is where my severe anxiety comes into play. I realized that I actually do have bipolar when I fell late last year - early this year. I can't remember exactly when. I can remember what happened though. I was fine, I was hanging out with someone who used to be my friend. We were at WHE. The lesson being given was about spiritual tsunamis. Its was a great lesson. Something that the person giving the lesson said somehow wove its way in and set me off. I suddenly felt like I was trapped and had to leave. I was started shaking really really bad. I managed to wait until the end of the lesson, then I bolted out the door. I remember I hadn't even bothered to grab my purse or jacket and knocked down a chair or two on my way out. I just ran. I ran to my car and collapsed beside it, in tears. I couldn't stand I was shaking so bad. My then-friend wasn't too far behind me and tried to get me to calm down, but I couldn't. She coaxed me into trying to stand to get back inside. With her help, I got on my feet and made it a little further before I fell again. She got some of the guys who were in the parking lot to come help get me inside. She grabbed the missionaries and one of the guys stayed with me and tried to get me to talk, but I was unintelligible. At length, I was able to stop crying long enough for them to give me a blessing and sing a hymn. I was alright after that. After that happened, I was scared because I felt that the bipolar was back. In reality it never left.

After I was baptized, I felt really even tempered. I went so drastically from all over the place, to feeling normal for months on end. I was absolutely positive it was gone. I had learned about Christ's ability to heal from the New Testament. I figured that burden had been lifted from me. It made sense. Instead, when it came back, it came back full depressive and I was really unprepared. Now the depressive has a new friend in the severe anxiety.

I've had anxiety attacks before. Usually health based. I'd be fine, then I would feel like I was having a heart attack. The medics were called a few times. I've visited the hospital before the anxiety has gotten so bad. Not admitted or committed, the emergency room. The last time I went to the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack, I actually was severely ill. Thankfully not a heart attack, but I wasn't allowed to be around people for about 2 months. I started getting anxiety attacks at work whenever someone sprayed perfume or cologne. I'm allergic and I would have trouble breathing. The anxiety would kick in and amplify those not-being-able-to-breathe feelings. I would get a blessing and I would feel better.

I've had a lot of anxiety attacks at church. If you've ever seen me run or speed walk out, that's why. I cannot stand crying in front of people. Especially I cannot stand crying in front of guys. It makes me embarrassed. I almost feel like I shouldn't cry around people. I can't stand crying because its always the icky messy kind that screws up my makeup, makes my skin all splotchy, and makes my eyelids swell. I had a second anxiety attack shortly after the one I described a couple paragraphs ago. I was in sacrament meeting listening to a talk. When the speaker said something that for some reason set something off and I bolted straight out of there. I went to my car and cried it out. I heard the Spirit gently coaxing me to go back inside. I didn't want to, there was no reason. I did it because I was told to. I sped back inside trying to avoid as many people as possible. I made it to the couch by the chapel and lost it again. I wanted to run back out, but I was stopped by a caring friend who saw me and asked what was wrong. I didn't really know. She got Bishop and he came out and I went into his office. We talked for a while, I got a blessing, and a referral for counseling.

I was in counseling for a while. I learned some things that I didn't already know about the bipolar. It ended when she ultimately told me she couldn't help me. I'm beyond her field of experience. I need to get back into the psychiatry circuit. I do and I don't want to. I don't want medication because I am scared of it. I've had really really bad reactions before. I would like help getting through my down swings though.

The positives and blessings:

I know that Heavenly Father must have a whole lot of faith in me that I can handle all these things in which I have been given. If He didn't know that I can take these life-long illnesses, He wouldn't have given them to me. Plus to know that Jesus Christ felt everything that we feel and He knows all about it. That is really comforting. Especially when I feel like I can't handle it. I feel like these trials have helped make me a stronger person than I already was.

There are positives and blessings to being hypersensitive. I am very caring, loving, loyal, empathetic, sympathetic, protective, etc. I feel because I am more sensitive, I am better able to help my friends with their difficulties. I feel I have more of a capacity to love my family and those I care about. I feel I have more of a capacity to be understanding and helpful when those I care about are having trials. I feel I have more of a capacity to forgive and give endless chances for those I care about. I feel that since I am more sensitive, I have a stronger connection with the Spirit. I feel I am better able to sense when He is with me. I feel that my hypersensitivity makes me more spiritual.

There are positives and blessings to have social problems. When I do find and make a friend, I'm close to them. They matter a lot to me. When I make a friend, it means they are able to look past the outside awkwardness and see me. I don't have many friends or know that many people, but the ones I do have are precious to me. Because in order for me to consider someone a friend, they know about my problems, issues, and the like, and they accept me anyway. I think a positive to the social problems is the ability to observe others. I usually am able to remember their faces and names. I like to see how people act. We are interesting beings. Not being a part of things allows me to sit, watch, and listen. It allows me to appreciate things I notice that make us all so different. So special. Sometimes I wonder what it is like for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to be up there and observe us all. My appreciation for our differences and things that make us special can only be a tiny fraction of what They think of us.

There are positives and blessings to being bipolar. I am able to see His hand more in my life. Helping me to shape and refine. While these trials will not be lifted from me, I can feel that He does make them lighter. I started having faith that he can help me with my bipolar and my anxiety. I started noticing I am having more days even-tempered than I do hypomanic or in the down swing. When I am in a down swing, I have noticed He is helping to lift me up and out as soon as possible. He is helping me to learn to control my impulses. He is helping me be a better me. As a part of being bipolar, I feel I am more accepting of those who also have mental illnesses. The ones I have met are much worse off than I am. It makes me thankful that I don't have what they have. Appreciate what I have much more. In comparison, I have it pretty light despite bipolar 2 being considered a serious mental illness. I don't quite know what I would do if one day I suddenly did stop having bipolar. Its such a part of who I am as a person and has been for years. I would like to be even-tempered all the time. Hypomania doesn't always feel as bad. Especially if I can take that creative impulse energy and do something useful with it. I could probably deal with no deep depressive swings. They do help add depth to me as a person. I'm finding that I'm more timid and humble when I am in a down swing. I am slowly learning its not a weakness to ask others for help. I'm so used to handling it all on my own. Its very mentally and emotionally draining. I'm finding that my ability to power through it all is fading away. Maybe it will be in a down swing when I can find someone who can help lift me back up, give me the support I need, and help balance me out. Maybe it is in the down swings that I learn lessons so that He can help me build back up better than before.

There are positives and blessings to having severe anxiety. Going through such bad attacks, help me learn coping mechanisms to calm down. It helps me help others who go through panic/anxiety attacks because I know what they are going through and how to help them.

Its kind of funny, when I started to write this 5hrs ago - I know I can't believe its taken so long to think and type! - I was dreading it so deeply. I had been thinking that there are no positives to the problems I have. I prayed for help writing this prior to, and He has helped me to see that although these trials are life-long, there are blessings woven throughout. They have helped shape me to who I am now and will continue to. I hope that this is able to help somebody more than myself. Whether it be finding positives in trials, we have the same issues, it helps you understand me more, or who knows what else. I'm sure that He will use this for benefit.

I say this humbly in the name of Jesus Christ,

Amen.

my testimony of family history work.

If you don't know already, I'm a family history consultant for my ward. I had heard that by doing family history work it can make ties closer with your living family. Its wasn't really something I necessarily believed. My Mom and I are pretty close. My brother and I are relatively close. My Dad and I weren't close at all.

I became a consultant the earlier part of this year. I try to be active and fulfill my calling. We were teaching the family history class around the same time I was visiting my Dad. My brother and I saw him to celebrate my brother's birthday. I brought up wanting to visit the grave sites on Memorial Day, which was a day later. My Dad agreed to let me come along. But made it extremely clear that I was not allowed to really look at the sites. Not allowed to take pictures. Not allowed really any family information. I was berated for being a Mormon. As well as was told he didn't trust me because I'm a Mormon. When I went back to see my Dad and visit the graves for Memorial Day, he let me see a few of them. I followed along and did as I was told.

That was an extremely hard time for me. My Dad and I had never really been close. We had started to try, but then I felt like the door was slammed in my face and bolted shut. At the time, I had strongly considered giving it up. Leaving the church sounded like a viable option. That maybe, just maybe it would make things better with my Dad. I talked with my Bishop and he advised me against it. I realized what a ridiculous idea that was. I'm a Mormon now and forever. There was no guarantee that leaving would help anything at all. All I would be doing was hurting myself. I decided against it. I realized that it probably was an attack from the adversary and I had nearly let him win.

A few days before Father's Day, I was prompted to ask my Dad if he wanted us over. I had figured that he would at least want to see my brother. I was too nervous to ask my Dad, so I wrote to my step-mom and asked her instead. She said he would love it, and we were with him for that day. I realized I hadn't spent Father's Day with him since my parents were still together. That's over 16 years. We were having a good time. He invited us inside and we gave him the gifts. Then he and my brother got into a anti-religious discussion. I sat there and beared with it as much as I could. I felt two ways, I wanted to stand up for what I believe. But I also know that we aren't on even ground because they haven't read the Book of Mormon. I was prompted to keep still. My step-mom intervened and told them to stop, then asked me why I hadn't spoken up. My Dad answered for me and said that there wouldn't have been a point because they can be relentless and then apologized to me for what he said. I let it go. He got up and went into another room and brought out a few boxes. Inside were hundreds of family photos. I couldn't believe my eyes. He was actually letting me look at them. After telling me a few weeks before that I would never have access. I was so happy! We spent hours going through and looking at each and every single one.

We visited him again for the 4th of July. I asked him if I may be able to have the pictures he had of my Mom. He told me that it may be a part of my birthday. It was again a really enjoyable visit. He and my brother did not get on any religious discussions.

We visited him on my birthday. There he gave me a box full of family photos! I was and still am overjoyed that I have these. We spent a few hours going through them and he helped me label who they are and shared family stories. We didn't even get through them all.

Such a strong change happened in such a short amount of time. I believe it is because I am a family history consultant and that I do fulfill my calling. I've been so richly blessed and I am so exceedingly thankful to have in the short amount of time not only gained information so that I can do my own family history, but also gained a positive relationship with my Dad. He still doesn't approve of me being Mormon, but has accepted that I am still he and my Mom's daughter. He emailed me recently that he is proud of me and is favorably impressed with me. That is a really really big deal. He doesn't give praise lightly or loosely. As well as its two things I have longed to hear for a very very long time. I never thought I would, but I have, and its fantastic.

I testify that if you do family history work, you will strengthen the ties you have with your family.

I say this in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,

Amen

my testimony of priesthood blessings

Over the last almost 2 1/2 years since I joined the church, I've gotten a lot of blessings. For different things, primarily health. I know they work if you have the faith as well. There are three that I've received over time that stand out. I've been prompted to share a little bit about those.

The first one was shortly after I became a member and I had my first visit with my new member teachers. One was explaining to me what a priesthood blessing was. I was really confused. I didn't understand what he was talking about. So he asked me if they could give me one. All I really remember about it is during, I felt really really tingly. Like there was electricity shooting from their hands on my head through me. It was really awesome to be honest. When it was over, one of them was crying. I told them what I felt. It was explained to me that what I felt was the Spirit. I've used that as kind of a baseline for future blessings.

The second one, I was really sick and received a blessing from two young men that were pre-mission. I remember during, while my eyes were closed, I saw white. Then a picture, as if I were on the outside watching the blessing take place. I saw myself sitting on the chair and the two young men giving the blessing. In between the two of them, I saw a figure in white robes with hands also on my head. The figure I can only describe as to how Jesus Christ may look. It was really kind of amazing. I had never seen that same image before or have since. I was prompted to draw what I saw and send it plus the description to both of them. It was about 2-3 days later that I was feeling a lot better. I credit that to the power of the priesthood with both of them plus faith. Now the young men are on their missions and I would be willing to bet they are doing marvelously.

The third one, I was beyond distraught. I was prompted to get ahold of my home teachers and ask for a blessing. Which was the last thing I wanted to do. I'm already awkward around guys and the last thing I wanted anyone to see was me when I'm a mess. I wanted to handle it on my own. That's what I'm used to and its what I do. I had been doing well with following promptings and I figured since He was telling me to do it, then I should. I reluctantly sent the text. Minutes later, one of my home teachers came with two other young men. They gave me the blessing and I cried like a little baby. The Spirit was so strong, I was overwhelmed. I felt a direct connection from the Spirit straight to my heart and deep into my soul. I know the words that were said were not only what I needed to hear, but straight from on high. I'm still kinda shaken by it honestly, but not in a bad way. I just hadn't felt anything like that since I had gotten my patriarchal blessing. Sometimes I still feel dumb for asking them for help. The advice I was later given, while valuable, I realized I already know this stuff. I felt/feel like if I had bothered to stop and think, I would have been able to handle it by myself. I think that I was prompted to ask for a blessing, not just because I needed it, but to show me its is OK to ask for help and that I need to learn to do so. To give them the chance to exercise their priesthood. As well as there were things He needed/wanted to tell me, but I probably wasn't listening and the only other way to get me to listen is through someone else. He chose who and how, prompted me to ask, then once I did, He was able to tell me things, and the rest of us were blessed.

Priesthood blessings work. As long as they are done by men, or young men, who hold it and use it righteously. They can and usually are directed by the Spirit on what to say to/for the person they are giving it to. You also must have the faith required that the blessing will work. Especially for healing blessings. They can give you one. If you don't believe it will work or think its magic all by itself, then you may not receive benefit from it.

I'm extremely shy when it comes to asking. I'm great at asking for others, but not at asking for myself. I don't know exactly why. Probably a mixture of my awkwardness and my I-can-do-it-all-on-my-own attitude. I'm learning to be more humble.

From these experiences I have learned that the men of our church are truly given the power of the priesthood from on high. To use righteously, to use in service, for blessing, and a whole lot more. I am thankful that there are worthy priesthood holders around. I look forward to the eventual future day when I'll have the priesthood in my home.

I say these things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,

Amen.