Finding His glory in my weakness

I've been prompted to write about my mental problems for some time. I've been putting it off. Its why I never finished or posted my Two Years Later. I've been scared of what others will think of me. It has kept coming up and the feeling like I need to talk about this to other people. I was prompted again to write this tonight. My only guess is me talking about my problems will be used positively somehow. If I can help someone else or help others understand me better so I'm don't seem as stand-offish and odd, then that would be good. This is going to be in two parts, the hard part, then how He has helped me with it. Please don't judge too harshly and if you have any questions or comments, please feel free to message me directly.


The Hard Part:

Its hard for me to admit these things because of how much I toted around that I was healed when I was baptized. I was slapped in the face with a big 'ole 'no you are not!' earlier this year. That's been really hard for me to handle because I wanted so much for it to be true. I thought I had finally escaped mental illness, but you really can't get rid of life-long problems.

They can be worked on though. So they aren't as severe as they could be. Something that is extremely important that I want to point out is just because I've been handling it all on my own outside of help from Him, its not a good idea. If you have the ability to get treated, by all means go and do so!!! I don't have that option. Sometimes I wish I did.

I was born hyper sensitive with social problems. I developed bipolar type 2 a few years ago and more recently severe anxiety.

I had a child neurologist when I was very young that told my parents about the hypersensitivity and social problems. I was told he said the volume in my brain is turned up on high which makes me more sensitive to everything. I feel everything more. I take things in differently. What may be nothing to someone, may be a very big deal to me. It can be something simple, such as someone tells a joke and I may not think its funny. To something more complex, it used to be no one could touch me. It used to be, I couldn't handle someone being near me. If someone unexpectedly touched me, it didn't end well. It used to be if someone hugged me, I would lock up and wait for them to stop or I would freak out. I wouldn't even be able to handle my family being affectionate with me. For some reason I would feel like I was going to be attacked. Nothing to base that feeling off of. I just would. I have worked on that a lot. Its taken a great deal of work. In some ways I am not as sensitive as I used to be. I'm still sensitive and feel a lot, its just not as extreme. I don't get offended as easily. I can handle someone being near me, or a friendly hug. Its better if I'm asked first, if I don't really know you. I'm still kind of awkward about it, but I don't feel like I am being attacked anymore.

The social problems. Sometimes I half-joke about being born anti-social because that's the best way I can describe it. Yet its not completely true. I like being around people. I can't stand being alone. I will when I have to and have had to stand alone on plenty of things before. I sort of remember being told that when I was a kid, they put me in a room with other kids and toys. While the other kids chose to play together with what they had available, I chose one toy and the opposite side of the room to play by myself. The social problems affect me more than anything. When I am in big groups, I become very quiet, very shy, and reclusive. Something about it I just can't handle. Its not that I don't want to, its that I don't know how. I've tried and its extremely awkward. I don't feel like I belong in the big group. Like I just don't fit. If I have someone else with me that I know and am in the group, I am OK. I can handle that. To be specific, for me a large group is 5 or more people. It doesn't seem big, but it is to me. I am best in small groups. Myself plus two others is the easiest for me. One on one is also pretty good, but I have to be very comfortable with the other person. I don't make friends easily and often feel like I don't have any, even if I do.

I haven't gotten better at this. I am pretty much the same socially now as I was in school. I've always been the kid in the corner watching everyone else. Observing can be quite entertaining and useful. Its probably not as fun as being a part of things could be. The only time I really felt accepted and comfortable in a large group was back in junior year P.E. I always tried really hard because I was so bad at it. For some reason the upper classmen all joined together and supported me every time. They became my friends and allies. It was really really great.

I wish I could say I've experienced something like that at church, but I haven't. I would like to feel comfortable when I am able to go to my ward, but I don't. When I go up to bear my testimony, its because I was prompted to and I am following that. I don't go to any of the activities because of my social problems. I just feel really really uncomfortable whenever I have tried to go to something like that by myself. Sometimes it makes me feel really anxious. The other night I actually went to WHE because I was meeting one of the sisters there to visit teach. I was half comfortably sitting with space on either side. As people started coming in, I felt the need to run out. I was reminded to stay so I could visit teach. Then the person teaching requested that we all scoot in. I was going to stay put. It was offered to me to move over and I took it so I wouldn't be the only person not moving. Then I had people on either side of me. I was trying to distract myself with the lesson being taught so I wouldn't run out. When everyone left and it was just me and the girl I was teaching, I was fine and very comfortable. Its a battle. I know its going to be for a very long time.

For some reason when I am at work, I can just turn it on and be bright, happy, confident, and sociable. Its only while I am at work. Not the rest of the time and I don't know why. Its draining to be "on". I'm so tired afterwards. Probably because its not natural for me to be that way in groups of people. I've been able to change that a lot. When I got my first job, I was just as socially awkward on the clock as I was off. I started to be able to turn it on. I'm glad for that.

The bipolar 2. Most of the time if I tell someone that I am bipolar, they back off and ask me if I get manic and weird stuff. No I don't. I think most people when they hear "bipolar", they think bipolar 1. Which has the manic episodes, highly abnormal behavior, and usually have to be hospitalized for some time.

Bipolar 2 is considered a milder form of the illness. It consists of hypomanic episodes and severe depressive episodes. You likely wouldn't know I have it unless I point it out to you. My hypomanic episodes are much less severe than they used to be. I struggle the most with the severe depressive ones.

I used to be all over the place, all the time. My moods would flash on and off like a flashlight. I used to make very rash decisions about major things. I would go from on top of the world to no longer wanting to be on the world. I used to be extremely impulsive. I used to partake of dangerous behavior. I used to be rather aggressive. I used to be extremely paranoid. I would lose control of myself. Its was really really scary. I'd come back out of it and be like, what did I do? I was in my worst when I was diagnosed. I drove my family and then boyfriend absolutely bonkers. I was able to reel it in at work, but then it would release full force the rest of the time. There wasn't anything I could do. The psychiatrist at the time wanted me on mood stabilizers and an anti-psychotic. As well as wanted me to be in dialectal behavior therapy for a year plus see her once a week. I had the insurance. I didn't have the money or the time. It conflicted with my work schedule. Plus I am very stubborn and have an attitude that I can handle anything and everything. I refused and went about doing what I was. I'd calm down and be alright for a while. I'd figure, I have this, I can beat it, I don't need a psychiatrist to tell me what do. I'd swing up and down with periods of what I consider normal.

Now, my moods don't flash. I don't partake of dangerous behavior. I am not aggressive. I'm not paranoid. I am impulsive, just not as bad as I was. I'm impulsive on relatively small things. I used to spend whatever and worry about bills later. Now I worry about bills first.

I have been confused for OCD and ADD. Sometimes I care a lot about how something is organized or I have a very specific way of doing things and become irritable if someone messes it up. Its small things though. Like color order, organization of hanger size, or how I would have my desk arranged. That comes out more at work than at home. Sometimes I'm rather flighty and can't concentrate on anything.

Those are actually part of the hypomania or up swing. Its kind of odd, but not odd enough to make you think there is really something wrong. I am impulsive. My last big impulsiveness was when I bought my rats, when I decided I was going to make three blankets - one fleece tie and two crocheted. I felt the need to mother something other than my cats. At the moment I had the money so I did. I'll get super into doing something. Be really passionate about whatever that is. Whether it be school, crafts, working out, cleaning, types of food, or snacks. If I can buy it, I do. Then usually once I have whatever it is, I no longer want it or want to do it. That will be followed by a downswing brought on from spending too much money. I am consciously making a real effort to control my impulses. I will feel the need, but before going off to get or do whatever, I stop and think. Do I really need it? Do I actually want it? Or do I just want it to want it? Will I actually use what I want to get? What will I do if I don't? What are the possible consequences of following the impulse? What better can I save the money for? After going through those questions, sometimes more than once, I will find the answer is usually no. When I talk myself out of the impulse, then it no longer seems so much fun or so much like an awesome idea. I am really glad that I am learning to stop and think before acting.

The down swings is when you can see there might be something wrong with me. When I drop down, I don't just dip like I do with the hypomania, I fall and fall hard. I hate my down swings so much. Sometimes I can start to feel like I am headed down. There isn't anything that I have found that can prevent the down swing or lessen the time I am in it. I just have to wait. There are other times that I am fine one part of the day, then the next, I'm down and out. This is where my severe anxiety comes into play. I realized that I actually do have bipolar when I fell late last year - early this year. I can't remember exactly when. I can remember what happened though. I was fine, I was hanging out with someone who used to be my friend. We were at WHE. The lesson being given was about spiritual tsunamis. Its was a great lesson. Something that the person giving the lesson said somehow wove its way in and set me off. I suddenly felt like I was trapped and had to leave. I was started shaking really really bad. I managed to wait until the end of the lesson, then I bolted out the door. I remember I hadn't even bothered to grab my purse or jacket and knocked down a chair or two on my way out. I just ran. I ran to my car and collapsed beside it, in tears. I couldn't stand I was shaking so bad. My then-friend wasn't too far behind me and tried to get me to calm down, but I couldn't. She coaxed me into trying to stand to get back inside. With her help, I got on my feet and made it a little further before I fell again. She got some of the guys who were in the parking lot to come help get me inside. She grabbed the missionaries and one of the guys stayed with me and tried to get me to talk, but I was unintelligible. At length, I was able to stop crying long enough for them to give me a blessing and sing a hymn. I was alright after that. After that happened, I was scared because I felt that the bipolar was back. In reality it never left.

After I was baptized, I felt really even tempered. I went so drastically from all over the place, to feeling normal for months on end. I was absolutely positive it was gone. I had learned about Christ's ability to heal from the New Testament. I figured that burden had been lifted from me. It made sense. Instead, when it came back, it came back full depressive and I was really unprepared. Now the depressive has a new friend in the severe anxiety.

I've had anxiety attacks before. Usually health based. I'd be fine, then I would feel like I was having a heart attack. The medics were called a few times. I've visited the hospital before the anxiety has gotten so bad. Not admitted or committed, the emergency room. The last time I went to the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack, I actually was severely ill. Thankfully not a heart attack, but I wasn't allowed to be around people for about 2 months. I started getting anxiety attacks at work whenever someone sprayed perfume or cologne. I'm allergic and I would have trouble breathing. The anxiety would kick in and amplify those not-being-able-to-breathe feelings. I would get a blessing and I would feel better.

I've had a lot of anxiety attacks at church. If you've ever seen me run or speed walk out, that's why. I cannot stand crying in front of people. Especially I cannot stand crying in front of guys. It makes me embarrassed. I almost feel like I shouldn't cry around people. I can't stand crying because its always the icky messy kind that screws up my makeup, makes my skin all splotchy, and makes my eyelids swell. I had a second anxiety attack shortly after the one I described a couple paragraphs ago. I was in sacrament meeting listening to a talk. When the speaker said something that for some reason set something off and I bolted straight out of there. I went to my car and cried it out. I heard the Spirit gently coaxing me to go back inside. I didn't want to, there was no reason. I did it because I was told to. I sped back inside trying to avoid as many people as possible. I made it to the couch by the chapel and lost it again. I wanted to run back out, but I was stopped by a caring friend who saw me and asked what was wrong. I didn't really know. She got Bishop and he came out and I went into his office. We talked for a while, I got a blessing, and a referral for counseling.

I was in counseling for a while. I learned some things that I didn't already know about the bipolar. It ended when she ultimately told me she couldn't help me. I'm beyond her field of experience. I need to get back into the psychiatry circuit. I do and I don't want to. I don't want medication because I am scared of it. I've had really really bad reactions before. I would like help getting through my down swings though.

The positives and blessings:

I know that Heavenly Father must have a whole lot of faith in me that I can handle all these things in which I have been given. If He didn't know that I can take these life-long illnesses, He wouldn't have given them to me. Plus to know that Jesus Christ felt everything that we feel and He knows all about it. That is really comforting. Especially when I feel like I can't handle it. I feel like these trials have helped make me a stronger person than I already was.

There are positives and blessings to being hypersensitive. I am very caring, loving, loyal, empathetic, sympathetic, protective, etc. I feel because I am more sensitive, I am better able to help my friends with their difficulties. I feel I have more of a capacity to love my family and those I care about. I feel I have more of a capacity to be understanding and helpful when those I care about are having trials. I feel I have more of a capacity to forgive and give endless chances for those I care about. I feel that since I am more sensitive, I have a stronger connection with the Spirit. I feel I am better able to sense when He is with me. I feel that my hypersensitivity makes me more spiritual.

There are positives and blessings to have social problems. When I do find and make a friend, I'm close to them. They matter a lot to me. When I make a friend, it means they are able to look past the outside awkwardness and see me. I don't have many friends or know that many people, but the ones I do have are precious to me. Because in order for me to consider someone a friend, they know about my problems, issues, and the like, and they accept me anyway. I think a positive to the social problems is the ability to observe others. I usually am able to remember their faces and names. I like to see how people act. We are interesting beings. Not being a part of things allows me to sit, watch, and listen. It allows me to appreciate things I notice that make us all so different. So special. Sometimes I wonder what it is like for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to be up there and observe us all. My appreciation for our differences and things that make us special can only be a tiny fraction of what They think of us.

There are positives and blessings to being bipolar. I am able to see His hand more in my life. Helping me to shape and refine. While these trials will not be lifted from me, I can feel that He does make them lighter. I started having faith that he can help me with my bipolar and my anxiety. I started noticing I am having more days even-tempered than I do hypomanic or in the down swing. When I am in a down swing, I have noticed He is helping to lift me up and out as soon as possible. He is helping me to learn to control my impulses. He is helping me be a better me. As a part of being bipolar, I feel I am more accepting of those who also have mental illnesses. The ones I have met are much worse off than I am. It makes me thankful that I don't have what they have. Appreciate what I have much more. In comparison, I have it pretty light despite bipolar 2 being considered a serious mental illness. I don't quite know what I would do if one day I suddenly did stop having bipolar. Its such a part of who I am as a person and has been for years. I would like to be even-tempered all the time. Hypomania doesn't always feel as bad. Especially if I can take that creative impulse energy and do something useful with it. I could probably deal with no deep depressive swings. They do help add depth to me as a person. I'm finding that I'm more timid and humble when I am in a down swing. I am slowly learning its not a weakness to ask others for help. I'm so used to handling it all on my own. Its very mentally and emotionally draining. I'm finding that my ability to power through it all is fading away. Maybe it will be in a down swing when I can find someone who can help lift me back up, give me the support I need, and help balance me out. Maybe it is in the down swings that I learn lessons so that He can help me build back up better than before.

There are positives and blessings to having severe anxiety. Going through such bad attacks, help me learn coping mechanisms to calm down. It helps me help others who go through panic/anxiety attacks because I know what they are going through and how to help them.

Its kind of funny, when I started to write this 5hrs ago - I know I can't believe its taken so long to think and type! - I was dreading it so deeply. I had been thinking that there are no positives to the problems I have. I prayed for help writing this prior to, and He has helped me to see that although these trials are life-long, there are blessings woven throughout. They have helped shape me to who I am now and will continue to. I hope that this is able to help somebody more than myself. Whether it be finding positives in trials, we have the same issues, it helps you understand me more, or who knows what else. I'm sure that He will use this for benefit.

I say this humbly in the name of Jesus Christ,

Amen.

my testimony of family history work.

If you don't know already, I'm a family history consultant for my ward. I had heard that by doing family history work it can make ties closer with your living family. Its wasn't really something I necessarily believed. My Mom and I are pretty close. My brother and I are relatively close. My Dad and I weren't close at all.

I became a consultant the earlier part of this year. I try to be active and fulfill my calling. We were teaching the family history class around the same time I was visiting my Dad. My brother and I saw him to celebrate my brother's birthday. I brought up wanting to visit the grave sites on Memorial Day, which was a day later. My Dad agreed to let me come along. But made it extremely clear that I was not allowed to really look at the sites. Not allowed to take pictures. Not allowed really any family information. I was berated for being a Mormon. As well as was told he didn't trust me because I'm a Mormon. When I went back to see my Dad and visit the graves for Memorial Day, he let me see a few of them. I followed along and did as I was told.

That was an extremely hard time for me. My Dad and I had never really been close. We had started to try, but then I felt like the door was slammed in my face and bolted shut. At the time, I had strongly considered giving it up. Leaving the church sounded like a viable option. That maybe, just maybe it would make things better with my Dad. I talked with my Bishop and he advised me against it. I realized what a ridiculous idea that was. I'm a Mormon now and forever. There was no guarantee that leaving would help anything at all. All I would be doing was hurting myself. I decided against it. I realized that it probably was an attack from the adversary and I had nearly let him win.

A few days before Father's Day, I was prompted to ask my Dad if he wanted us over. I had figured that he would at least want to see my brother. I was too nervous to ask my Dad, so I wrote to my step-mom and asked her instead. She said he would love it, and we were with him for that day. I realized I hadn't spent Father's Day with him since my parents were still together. That's over 16 years. We were having a good time. He invited us inside and we gave him the gifts. Then he and my brother got into a anti-religious discussion. I sat there and beared with it as much as I could. I felt two ways, I wanted to stand up for what I believe. But I also know that we aren't on even ground because they haven't read the Book of Mormon. I was prompted to keep still. My step-mom intervened and told them to stop, then asked me why I hadn't spoken up. My Dad answered for me and said that there wouldn't have been a point because they can be relentless and then apologized to me for what he said. I let it go. He got up and went into another room and brought out a few boxes. Inside were hundreds of family photos. I couldn't believe my eyes. He was actually letting me look at them. After telling me a few weeks before that I would never have access. I was so happy! We spent hours going through and looking at each and every single one.

We visited him again for the 4th of July. I asked him if I may be able to have the pictures he had of my Mom. He told me that it may be a part of my birthday. It was again a really enjoyable visit. He and my brother did not get on any religious discussions.

We visited him on my birthday. There he gave me a box full of family photos! I was and still am overjoyed that I have these. We spent a few hours going through them and he helped me label who they are and shared family stories. We didn't even get through them all.

Such a strong change happened in such a short amount of time. I believe it is because I am a family history consultant and that I do fulfill my calling. I've been so richly blessed and I am so exceedingly thankful to have in the short amount of time not only gained information so that I can do my own family history, but also gained a positive relationship with my Dad. He still doesn't approve of me being Mormon, but has accepted that I am still he and my Mom's daughter. He emailed me recently that he is proud of me and is favorably impressed with me. That is a really really big deal. He doesn't give praise lightly or loosely. As well as its two things I have longed to hear for a very very long time. I never thought I would, but I have, and its fantastic.

I testify that if you do family history work, you will strengthen the ties you have with your family.

I say this in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,

Amen

my testimony of priesthood blessings

Over the last almost 2 1/2 years since I joined the church, I've gotten a lot of blessings. For different things, primarily health. I know they work if you have the faith as well. There are three that I've received over time that stand out. I've been prompted to share a little bit about those.

The first one was shortly after I became a member and I had my first visit with my new member teachers. One was explaining to me what a priesthood blessing was. I was really confused. I didn't understand what he was talking about. So he asked me if they could give me one. All I really remember about it is during, I felt really really tingly. Like there was electricity shooting from their hands on my head through me. It was really awesome to be honest. When it was over, one of them was crying. I told them what I felt. It was explained to me that what I felt was the Spirit. I've used that as kind of a baseline for future blessings.

The second one, I was really sick and received a blessing from two young men that were pre-mission. I remember during, while my eyes were closed, I saw white. Then a picture, as if I were on the outside watching the blessing take place. I saw myself sitting on the chair and the two young men giving the blessing. In between the two of them, I saw a figure in white robes with hands also on my head. The figure I can only describe as to how Jesus Christ may look. It was really kind of amazing. I had never seen that same image before or have since. I was prompted to draw what I saw and send it plus the description to both of them. It was about 2-3 days later that I was feeling a lot better. I credit that to the power of the priesthood with both of them plus faith. Now the young men are on their missions and I would be willing to bet they are doing marvelously.

The third one, I was beyond distraught. I was prompted to get ahold of my home teachers and ask for a blessing. Which was the last thing I wanted to do. I'm already awkward around guys and the last thing I wanted anyone to see was me when I'm a mess. I wanted to handle it on my own. That's what I'm used to and its what I do. I had been doing well with following promptings and I figured since He was telling me to do it, then I should. I reluctantly sent the text. Minutes later, one of my home teachers came with two other young men. They gave me the blessing and I cried like a little baby. The Spirit was so strong, I was overwhelmed. I felt a direct connection from the Spirit straight to my heart and deep into my soul. I know the words that were said were not only what I needed to hear, but straight from on high. I'm still kinda shaken by it honestly, but not in a bad way. I just hadn't felt anything like that since I had gotten my patriarchal blessing. Sometimes I still feel dumb for asking them for help. The advice I was later given, while valuable, I realized I already know this stuff. I felt/feel like if I had bothered to stop and think, I would have been able to handle it by myself. I think that I was prompted to ask for a blessing, not just because I needed it, but to show me its is OK to ask for help and that I need to learn to do so. To give them the chance to exercise their priesthood. As well as there were things He needed/wanted to tell me, but I probably wasn't listening and the only other way to get me to listen is through someone else. He chose who and how, prompted me to ask, then once I did, He was able to tell me things, and the rest of us were blessed.

Priesthood blessings work. As long as they are done by men, or young men, who hold it and use it righteously. They can and usually are directed by the Spirit on what to say to/for the person they are giving it to. You also must have the faith required that the blessing will work. Especially for healing blessings. They can give you one. If you don't believe it will work or think its magic all by itself, then you may not receive benefit from it.

I'm extremely shy when it comes to asking. I'm great at asking for others, but not at asking for myself. I don't know exactly why. Probably a mixture of my awkwardness and my I-can-do-it-all-on-my-own attitude. I'm learning to be more humble.

From these experiences I have learned that the men of our church are truly given the power of the priesthood from on high. To use righteously, to use in service, for blessing, and a whole lot more. I am thankful that there are worthy priesthood holders around. I look forward to the eventual future day when I'll have the priesthood in my home.

I say these things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,

Amen.

Why am I a Mormon?

I've been finding myself having to answer that question a lot.

Its hard dealing with people who are close to me that are anti-Mormon. A few that question, why be a Mormon, what benefit is it to being a member? One that no longer trusts me because of my decision.

Its been extremely trying recently. I'm not used to having to defend my faith. I've felt the adversary push me really really hard. Trying to weave in and using those that matter to me to make me change my mind. It really sucks. A lot a lot. I know that we grow when we have to deal with adversity. I'm guessing that this is supposed to make me stronger.

It started a few weeks ago when a friend witnessed an argument between me and another friend. We were talking about it. She said (I am paraphrasing, not a direct quote) that she thought Mormons weren't supposed to be worldly. We are supposed to be nice and love one another. Be there for one another. A community, a family. If we act as everyone else does, then what is the difference between us and everyone else? Why become a Mormon if there is no difference?

That really had me thinking and reflecting upon my own behavior. Was I acting worldly? Was I not representing the church positively? What had I done to make her question becoming a Mormon? That night, I sat down and was prompted to write to her and send her my testimony. I re-read my own testimony as well. The one I wrote when I joined the church and the one I wrote a year later. I still felt strongly in them. I felt that I had grown stronger in my testimony since I had written them. I wrote to her and shared my thoughts and did as I was prompted.

Upon my behavior, the argument was about I had felt disrespected and disappointed in the other person. I had been having a hard time forgiving her of her trespasses against me. I realized that I was in the wrong and prayed for help. I found forgiveness in my heart for her and sent her a message telling her that I forgive her. I felt a lot better afterwards.

I was visiting someone that is anti-Mormon. It doesn't typically come up. We just don't talk about it. Then we get along fine. This time was very different. They were very open about their displeasure over me being a member of the church. We already weren't close, but had been starting to rebuild a relationship when I joined. I was informed that I am not allowed to certain family information. Genealogy, pictures, stories, etc. Information that I would really love to have, simply because I am a Mormon. They don't trust me. Not because of anything they actually have to base anything on. Just because I am a member of the church.

I have to be honest, that really really really hurts and stings. I had some very serious thoughts about, wouldn't it be easier if I stopped being a Mormon? Just stop going to church. I don't really participate as it is. I just go to the Sunday meetings, index, attend baptism sessions at the temple when I can, and helped teach the family history class while it was going on. I'm not popular. I don't have a group of friends. I don't really have many people that care about me in my ward at all. I already didn't drink or smoke. I've stopped profaning. I'm still single. It wouldn't matter much if I became inactive.

Except, I would lose a lot. I would lose all the progress I've made. It would matter a lot to Heavenly Father. It would matter a lot to Jesus Christ. To the Spirit. I'd be turning my back on them in the vain attempt to have a better relationship with maybe two people. One I have a decent relationship with, even though I am Mormon. The other, I didn't really have a relationship to begin with and it became worse now that I'm a Mormon. I know the first would be glad if I became inactive. The other, I doubt would really care. I'd be doing it for their approval, but does that really matter?? I would certainly love to have it. Its always something that has been just out of reach. I've always felt like I'm a disappointment to that person. There's nothing I can really do. Nothing I've ever been able to do. So why try? I don't know. Maybe because they matter to me.

Its been on my mind all day. There is far more benefit to me staying a member rather than straying off. I may never have the approval of that one person. I didn't have it prior to joining the church. While that is very hard, its not worth risking living with Heavenly Father for. All that I have, all that I am, for the approval of one person. That is foolish. I feel kinda dumb for even considering it. Maybe its good though, partially, to have become that weak. Maybe its a way of rebuilding even stronger than I already was. I don't know.

Why AM I a Mormon? Well, that can be a long answer. To start with, because I know that this is the one true church. That has been reaffirmed to me multiple times. When I was looking to change and have a new life, something that I thought was an impossible dream, the Spirit came to me and directed me to the missionaries. Not to the Catholics, not to the Protestants, not to jump off a cliff, but to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Since I joined the church, it has been a battle on and off with the adversary. Its a battle worth fighting. I agree with our beliefs, our values, and what we follow. I believe that Joseph Smith Jr was visited by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in the Sacred grove. We have a prophet, his counselors, the  apostles, and the seventy that all testify of Him. I've been listening to the CES devotionals and general conference a lot recently. Its all true. I have my home and didn't lose it all when I was unemployed because I am a Mormon. It helped with getting a job at Deseret Industries. The car accidents I've been in haven't been worse than they already were because of His protection. I feel the presence of the Spirit and am guided by it. I've been to do baptisms in the temple and have felt His presence there. I know that its all true. I hope that I am not draw down to the point of considering leaving it all again. Despite the trials and troubles, I am glad that I am a Mormon. I plan on being a member for all of my life.

I say these things in the name of our beloved Savior, Jesus Christ.

Amen

March 22, 2013 - Temple trip and testimony

On Friday there was a ward temple trip. I had remembered about my family names that had yet to be done. I had done all the female ones that I've found so far, but hadn't been able to do many of the male names. I went on the website and started clicking on male names to be printed out. There was a group that showed had not been done yet. Printed, but not completed. I was confused trying to find out what happened. I checked through my ordinance cards and sure enough they hadn't been done. I remembered that back in January 2012, I had planned on printing out names for the temple trip, but everything that could've gone wrong did and it never happened.

As I was clicking on their names to be reprinted, I felt something. It was this energy. Kind of an excitement, anxiousness, happiness, sort of feeling. I took another look at the names I had just clicked and realized they are my grandfathers, great-grandfathers, and some cousins. All within 2-3 generations back, so they were relatively close. As well as a female that I hadn't clicked yet and didn't notice before. In total, I took 30 males names and 1 female name to the temple.

I love going to the temple. Its my favorite place to be. As we entered the temple grounds, I felt elated. But as we went inside, I felt very overwhelmed with emotion. It was the excitement and anxiousness I had felt earlier, but seriously increased. I started having tremors. Its something that my body goes through when I have an anxiety attack, my hands shake uncontrollably and my arms twitch. What was different about this was I wasn't going through the fear and nervousness that associates with it. Some people asked me if I was going to be OK and what was going on, etc. I did my best to explain that I was fine, despite the shaking. I pondered why it was happening. The answer hit me with full force that what I was feeling is what they were feeling. My family on the other side of the veil. I had begun the ordinance work for the women, but hadn't for most of the men yet. They were excited and anxious that they were finally going to be able to see their husbands, sons, brothers, nephews, and cousins again. As well as the men that were going get their work started, they were excited and anxious to see their loved ones again.

I got to watch the ordinance work for my male family members and it was so exciting. I couldn't stop smiling and would spontaneously start crying. Happy tears though, like ones of relief. My body slowly started calming down and I wasn't shaking anymore. I could feel their anxiousness had calmed down and replaced with indescribable joy.

I am thankful for the young men who helped me with the work. Although I don't really know them outside of name and face, I hope that they took something away from helping me and my family. I hope that it helped instill an enjoyment for family history work and temple work.

I was thinking back to the general conference talk I studied for the talk I wrote. The Joy of Redeeming the Dead by Elder Richard G. Scott. There is a quote that stands out to me:

"Many faithful saints have done the work of researching their family lines and are using the reserve feature of FamilySearch to hold the ordinances for their own family members to serve as proxy. The intent of reserving names is to allow a reasonable period of time for individuals to perform ordinances for ancestors and collateral lines. There are currently 12 million names and millions of corresponding ordinances that are reserved. Many names have been reserved for years. Ancestors who have been found are no doubt anxious and thrilled when their names are cleared for ordinances. They, however, may not be very happy when they have to continue to wait for their ordinances to be performed."

I had started doing family history work in August/September 2011. I didn't have a plan for how it was all going to be done other than I want to do it. I didn't occur to me how it would feel for them. My family members on the other side. Especially when I had only taken care to get the females done. I left the males waiting. The females waiting for them. I feel kinda bad about it, but also am glad that I did get the beginning part done. I haven't figured out getting the next part of the ordinances done, outside of a friend offered to help. I think I want to at least get my next part of them done first. So I can help.

I feel a something extra being family history consultant. I am thankful for my calling. I am thankful for the ability to help my family and others beyond the veil. I learned that by doing this work, it is also doing missionary work :-) I am thankful to know that my family who has passed will be together for all of eternity. I am thankful to be a member of this church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am thankful we have a way to help those who've passed on. We're the only ones to the best of my knowledge who do.

I'm just so thankful for it all :-)

I testify these things in the name of our beloved Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

Amen.

To Bribe or Not To Bribe - an opinion piece (March 19, 2013)

I want to start off by saying that I do know the difference between bribing someone and a reward system.

As well as for the things I have to say about parenting and young children. Yes I know I am not a parent yet and things might be different when I have my own. However, I believe I have a good amount of common sense and I was raised well so I can see some stuff that doesn't need to go on.

I don't believe in bribery. I think bribing children into proper behavior relates to rotten adults that still expect the bribe. Often its food, or sometimes money. I do believe in setting up a reward system with consequences for young children can help them learn what behavior is OK and not. As well as teaches them that when you do really well and exceed expectations, often a reward follows. That no reward follows when minimum expectations are not met. It can encourage children to always do their best to exceed because they want what could be waiting for them.

This has been stirring in my head for a time. Set off by a few things: Stuff a friend said to me, behaviors at work, observations, and a discussion with my brother finding he actually shares my opinion.

I was talking to a friend about some stuff that had been bothering me. She told me that often in order to get people to do what you want, you have to bribe them into it. She went on to explain that when she was a child, for her parents to get her to do what they wanted, they had to bribe her to do it. She said she has since grown out of that expectation.  I disagreed with that opinion because with what I wanted people to do, there was already a reward involved. When you are already getting something, be it temporal or spiritual, that should be enough. You shouldn't need or expect a reward on top of that.

This has become a problem at work. We have minimum expectations that are not too much to follow. In my opinion, the reward for meeting expectations is your paycheck. There shouldn't be an extra reward for doing what you are paid to do. An honest days work for the pay. There is a young man at work in which I am having difficulties with. He was recently moved into my area. He has been at DI for longer than I have. My problem is he does not move fast enough to get the minimum amount of work done. He's not up to par. I've tried encouraging him, coaching him, and teaching him ways to pick it up. He acknowledges what I say, but continues to poke along. Today I had to have another co-worker work alongside with him to get the job of one person done. They were tagging priced items and placing them on carts. It is a very easy job. The easiest part of the area. The other day, I had the same pair work together, sorting items from a cart into bins for me to price. Even when I had both of them do the same job, I had very little to price. I'm not quite sure what to do to get him up to standards. I have yet to bring this attention to my manager. I'm trying to see if there is anything I can do before getting my boss involved.

Earlier today, there was a time in which he was tagging by himself and during the time it would've taken me to complete one cart, he completed about 1/8th of the cart. I was frustrated so I told him (nicely) that I need him to work as fast as possible. He told me he couldn't. I told him that I believe he can. He insisted that is not possible. I figure it is, because when I first started out at DI, I was slow. I didn't think I would ever be fast enough. My manager at the time set clear expectations for me and let me know she knew I could do it. At the time, I didn't care for it too much because I didn't believe in myself. Then I started meeting quota and gradually got faster and faster to then I was up to par and usually exceeded expectations. I appreciate that manager for not giving up on me or giving in.

It was brought to my attention from a girl that used to work with him in his previous area that he can work fast. Their manager told them that if they got a clothes rack done in half an hour, they would each receive $5 store credit. The young man was well able to complete that task. So I know he can move. There comes the question, does he just not want to? Or is he waiting to be rewarded for doing his job?

My friend had come back to my area the other day when he was working and was telling me excitedly about how her boss is going to strongly reward his team if the basic expectations are met. I don't agree with that idea, but its her boss. Currently, my area in the soft-lines section is the only one where there is not an extra reward for minimum work done. As it should be. We are not exceeding expectations, or even meeting them half the time, so there shouldn't be a reward. An idea was brought up that maybe if the people in my dept were bribed with food that they would try to meet the minimum. I vetoed that. I hope that my boss doesn't decide that is a good idea.

I like to observe people. Often, I observe parents in stores with unruly children, bribe them with treats or toys if they would just behave that one trip. When I would go to my home ward, I would observe parents give their kids food, toys, anything to just get them to stop screwing around, screaming, and misbehaving. I don't agree with parents who bribe their children into behaving. From what I've seen and can assume, it makes for a spoiled child. They get what they want. Whether it be to go home or just embarrass their parents. They learn a bad pattern. They learn that by being bad, they are rewarded. When they are good, they may also be rewarded. There is nothing to separate which is right and wrong if they get a treat either way. I don't know what changed in parenting styles that parents began to give into their children and let them run them ragged. I think it should go back to the children respect their parents, do what they are told, and behave simply out of obedience.

Growing up, our (my brother and I) were never bribed. We did what we were told or there would be consequences that followed. My mom said we were just naturally good kids. I think there was more to good child-rearing involved in that. I can remember that I wasn't the easiest to raise. One thing I remember most out of that was a reward system my parents set up. If I was good, I would earn a blue poker chip. If I was bad, I would earn a red poker chip. At the end of the week, depending on how many blue chips I had, I would get to choose a reward. If the red outdid the blue, then I didn't earn a reward that week. That was rare. I remember I would usually get to choose from getting a candy bar, donuts, or if I exceeded I would get to choose McDonald's. I remember I loved going to McDonald's, or as I called it back then "Mickey D's" so I strived to earn those blue chips. Something else I think I remember them doing (Mom correct me if I'm wrong!) is we would get to choose our own candy bar. My dad loved Hershey Bars. Often on Sunday's we would get to have a Hershey Bar after dinner. If we were good for I think I week, we'd get to choose the candy we got. I remember my brother and I choosing Sixlets.

We were never physically punished. If misbehaved, we'd get put in time outs and have privileges taken away.  My parents are good parents and I agree with how they raised us. I remember they were pretty no-nonsense. It just didn't benefit us to go against the rules laid out for us. There was no fussing in the store to get what we wanted. If we fussed in the store, one parent would take us out to the car and sit with us while the shopping was finished. We didn't get extra food or toys in order to get us to behave. Getting to be in the store with them was a privilege and we liked being able to see things picked out and sometimes our opinion asked. Things were always made clear. Tv, games, toys were things we earned, not things we had a right to.

There also wasn't a continuous purchase of wants and toys. We never went without. We also weren't spoiled. Birthday and Christmas were extra special because we appreciated the gifts we got. I think that's because we didn't get it right when we asked for it.

How we were raised as kids, brought us up to be good adults. We don't take things for granted because we know things can be taken away. We strive to do the best we can at work. We get along with our managers. We get along with our parents. I'm thankful that they never bribed us.

I plan on raising my future children the same way I was. I want to be a good mom just like mine is.

To conclude, don't give into your kids or bribe them into things. They may fuss and pout for that time. But they'll respect you as the authority figure. Then when they grow up, they'll appreciate how you raised them. It'll all be worth it :-)

March 17, 2013 - thoughts regarding stake conference and stuff

I was just really recognizing the Lord's hand in all we do.

Stake conference was about temple work, family history work, and indexing. I loved it. I was thinking about the talk I gave just the week before about the same things. It all came in line perfectly. I was pretty much amazed the whole time. When President Porterfield said something near the end of his talk about how if you don't feel you fit in, not mainstream, if you are having trouble finding your eternal companion.... The Lord loves you and knows what you are going through... There was some other things he said in the middle but I wasn't paying attention past that point. That part hit me really really hard, like I felt he was speaking directly to me. I started crying. I tried to blink it away because I was with the stake choir. Those are two things that I'm having a difficult time with. Especially the first part. Not fitting in. I don't, and I'm not meant to. I'm still learning to accept that. Not that there is anything particularly strange or standoffish about me that makes me not blend in to the social circle. I just don't. Never have and never will. Sometimes I'm glad for that. Sometimes I'm not. It reminds me of something a comedian Bill Engvall had a show about called "15 degrees off cool". Its really the best way I can describe it. Nothing major, just ever so slightly off. Hearing President Porterfield say those things really reminds me that He is watchful of us, He does know our trials, our everything. I think it was meant to remind me He's there. I mean, I already know it, but that extra reassurance. For all of us who deal with those difficulties in various ways.

I was inspired by one woman who spoke about going to the temple every week. She spoke during the Saturday night adult session. I was thinking that I want to be like that. Going to the temple every week is a goal of mine. I just need my permanent recommend first. Almost there! As well as I think it was President Bishop, or it might have been Sister Bishop over the Seattle Temple; that talked about a woman who came to the temple every single day for a time while she was getting settled. She had moved into the area and didn't have anything to do while her kids were at school. What a terrific way to spend your free time! Its just so amazing to me.

I'm thankful for being able to be a part of the stake choir. While I am nowhere near as talented as the people around me, I'm learning. I'm not so terrible that I got kicked out of it either :-) It was a blessing to be around and sing with such amazing talented people. 2 reasons; 1. If I screwed up, they are all so good my mistake doesn't stand out; 2. I've always liked to sing. I've never been very good... sometimes flat out sucky, but its a boost to be allowed to sing with them. It reminds me of when I was brand brand new and I went to my home ward (Mukilteo) back when President Porterfield was Bishop Porterfield and he told me he wanted me to be in the choir. He was an amazing Bishop and I'm thankful I had the chance to get to know him and his wife. Now he's an even more amazing Stake President. Its just all really cool.

I came home and started indexing for the day. Indexing is a lot of fun and it does so much good. It really really makes a difference when you pray first. The Spirit will be with you, helping you to get the names spelled correctly. All you have to do is ask in faith and He's there.

Family history work, temple work, and indexing will bless your life. Especially as it appears to be one of the stake focuses and with all the talks lining up with one another, it is very clear to see that those things are what He wants us working on. So, lets get to it! :-)

Sacrament talk - based on "The Joy of Redeeming the Dead" by Elder Richard G. Scott + reflections

This is the talk I gave during sacrament meeting on Sunday, March 10th 2013. At the end, there are some reflections I have after giving the talk.
                                 
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My talk is based on the talk, "The Joy of Redeeming the Dead" by Elder Richard G. Scott given during the November 2012 general conference. I was really excited when Bishop asked me to do this because this is my very first talk and doing baptisms for the dead is my favorite thing to do.

Elder Scott states, "The Lord's revelation that through proper priesthood authority, baptism could be performed vicariously for the dead preserved the justice of His statement: "Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God". Vicarious baptism can mercifully provide this essential ordinance for all worthy deceased who did not receive it in mortality."

I love that He sets a rule for us and then gives us a way to fulfill it.

Then he quotes Joseph Smith from an epistle he wrote stating, "The Saints have the privilege of being baptized for... their relatives who are dead... who have received the Gospel in the spirit through... those who have been commissioned to preach to them." Adding later, "Those Saints who neglect it in behalf of their deceased relatives, do it at the peril of their own salvation."

Joseph Smith hit it right on the nose. It is a privilege. To be worthy of the temple and doing baptisms. We have the opportunity to take part in the necessary saving ordinances for those who have passed on.

It is a responsibility. We live close to a temple. There are many others in other countries who do not. They get their family history work done, but cannot get to the temple to do the baptisms. There are also the elderly, who can't do it for themselves and they may not have grandchildren to give the work to. As well as the disabled and many other groups who just cannot.

They are all counting on us. It is not just for the youth and those of us who don't have our endowments yet. Baptisms for the dead is something that almost all of us here can do.

It is also a great blessing. To know that the people who you have just done baptisms and confirmations for are then on their way to the next step. To know that you have just helped your family or other families become that much closer to being together in the eternities. To know that you are taking part in the Lord's work. To know that He is pleased with you.

It brings you such a tremendous amount of joy. I can't describe it. I can only suggest that you go out and feel it for yourselves.

Going to do baptisms is not hard. I know from when I would set up baptism trips. All that you have to do is call the temple and set up an appointment. If you arrive for the baptism time and don't have the required priesthood, they will put you with another group, or supply priesthood for you. I ran into that many times. The temple workers are just happy you are there. He is happy you are there.

Elder Scott quotes President Howard W. Hunter in the following statement: "We must accomplish the priesthood temple ordinance work necessary for our own exaltation; then we must do the necessary work for those who did not have the opportunity to accept the gospel in life. Doing work for others is accomplished in two steps: first, by family history research to ascertain our progenitors; and second, by performing the temple ordinances to give them the same opportunity afforded to the living. Yet there are many members of the Church who only have limited access to the temples. They do the best they can. They pursue family history research and have the temple ordinance work done by others. Conversely, there are some members who engage in temple work, but fail to do family history research on their own family lines. Although they perform a divine service in assisting others, they lose a blessing by not seeking their own kindred dead as divinely directed by latter-day prophets. I have learned that those who engage in family history research and then perform the temple ordinance work for those names they have found will know the additional joy of receiving both halves of the blessing."

Elder Scott goes on to say, "Any work you do in the temple is time well spent, but receiving ordinances vicariously for one of your own ancestors will make the time in the temple more sacred, and even greater blessings will be received. The First Presidency has declared, "Our preeminent obligation is to seek out and identify our own ancestors."

I know that is true. There is nothing like performing ordinances for your own ancestors. There is a great joy in helping others with their ordinances. There is a definite difference between someone else's and your own. I can't really describe it outside of acknowledging the difference. In June 2012, I completed the baptisms for the female names that I have found so far. Then I switched to needing to do temple names. It didn't feel the same. The amount of joy I felt was different.

Doing your own family names is the best. I remember the second time I went to the temple, I did my own names and I got to watch the baptisms of my male names. We were told to think about the people we were in proxy for. I recall with each name I was baptized for, I felt happier and happier. I could feel/hear them saying thank you as I left. I feel like I felt their joy at having the first part of their ordinances done. I remember feeling so full of their joy and my joy, I could not stop smiling the rest of the night. I would spontaneously burst into laughter. I had more happiness than I knew what to do with. It was the best.

Family history work is very important. While it isn't easy, we need to do it. I understand for those for whom their parents have all the family history work done and their family tree dates all the way back to Adam and Eve. Those are amazing and I would love to know how it was done. I think those are the exception. Most of us have family history work to do and names to submit to our ordinance list.

As a convert to the church, I have a lot to do. A lot of my mom's side has already been found and done by people I'd love to meet. On my dad's side, I have a lot of work to do. When I was unemployed, I pretty much consumed myself in family history work. I didn't have a job to go to, so I figured I would help with His work. Plus, I really want to do my family's work. Ever since I learned that I could almost 2 years ago, I've been gung ho about it. Its tapered off since I ran into a wall with finding ancestors. It is still just as important to me to partake of the ordinances.

Elder Scott stated the following, "There are currently 12 million names and millions of corresponding ordinances that are reserved. Many names have been reserved for years. Ancestors who have been found are no doubt anxious and thrilled when their names are cleared for ordinances. They, however may not be very happy when they have to continue to wait for their ordinances to be performed."

I know two sides of this. One, when I was plugging in names on new familysearch, I would see that some ordinances need to be done. I'd go to reserve it and find someone else already has. I don't know who they are that reserved the name, or how long it has been reserved for. I only know I want to do it, but I can't because of the other person. Two, I'm the only one to do baptisms in my family. When I was reserving them, I told myself I want to do them all. Then I learned I can't. I did as much as I could by getting my female names done. I still have lots of male names that need to be done and I need help.

Something else we can do to help with finding family names is index.

Elder Scott shared the following story, " In the Russia Rostov-na-Donu Mission, the youth were invited to each index 2,000 names and then qualify at least one name from their own families for temple ordinances. Those who accomplished this goal were invited to go on a long journey to the new Kyiv Ukraine Temple. One young man shared his experience: " I was spending a lot of time playing computer games. When I started indexing, I didn't have time to play games. At first I thought, 'Oh no! How can that be!' When this project was over, I even lost interest in gaming... Genealogical work is something that we can do here on earth, and it will remain in heaven."

I love this example because it is so true. Once he prioritized and made time to index, the computer games didn't matter. Honestly, indexing can be a lot of fun. I know sometimes I get wrapped up in it and forget about the time. With the simple act of indexing, you can help so many people. It may feel like you don't have time. Sometimes you have to make the time. Re-evaluate, re-prioritize how you would otherwise spend your time and give part of it to indexing. It is a wonderful Sunday activity. Before church, after church, sometimes it can be like, how am I going to keep the rest of the day holy? Keep minded on the Savior? Index, do some family history work. Help do His work. Its a terrific way to spend part of the Sabbath.

I give you my testimony that family history work is important. Indexing is important. Our ancestors are up there waiting for us to find them. Let's help them out. Doing this work and doing baptisms for the dead will greatly bless your life and others lives. In multiple ways and some we probably haven't figured out yet. Genealogical work has always been an interest of mine. When I started doing it, it was fun. With each name I found and when that would sprout off into other members of my family I didn't know about, it felt like I was making cracks into a gold mine. It became more and more exciting each time. One of the ways it blessed my life is I found living family members I didn't know about and have had the chance to get to know a few of them. That has been a lot of fun. It has increased my love for the temple. Family history work, baptisms for the dead, and indexing have become a passion of mine. I encourage you to try it out and that it may become a passion of yours.

I'm going to end with this quote from Elder Scott, "Anywhere you are in the world, with prayer, faith, determination, diligence, and some sacrifice, you can make a powerful contribution. Begin now. I promise you that the Lord will help you find a way. And it will make you feel wonderful." There truly is joy in redeeming the dead. I testify these things are true in the name of our beloved Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.

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Reflections:

I could feel the Lord's hand in my life when I was assigned this talk. I felt like it was made for me. I am a family history consultant in my ward. Doing baptisms in the temple really truly is my favorite thing to do. Its something I feel strongly about. Its a privilege to be able to enter the house of the Lord and I am not about to let that go to waste. I really look forward to when I am able to take out my endowments. If it was up to me, I would go to the temple at least once a week. I really hope that one day I get to work in the temple. It is my favorite place to be.

When I used to work security in Issaquah, I would drive past the temple twice a day. That was the best part of the day. Especially driving past it at night, there is a magical quality about it when the building is all aglow. Sometimes I would leave early or in between shifts, I would go to the temple and sit outside. Sometimes read the scriptures, or just look at the building in awe. I couldn't go inside because I would be wearing a suit for work. I felt the Spirit just as strong just being on the grounds.

All of my life, thus far, family history work has been a part of what we did growing up. I always loved hearing stories from my parents about different ancestors and their legacy. I just wish I could remember what they were. Its something that I would love to have now. As I mentioned in my talk, when I was unemployed I consumed myself in family history research. I remember asking my parents for help. My mom was much more forth giving with information. There wasn't a whole lot to go on, but anything is better than nothing. When I went onto www.familysearch.org for the first time and found my grandma, it was so exciting! It was from then forward that I kept going. With each person found, it literally felt like I was chipping into a gold mine. One of the cool parts is I found some cousins on my dad's side. It was exciting when one of them actually wrote back to me. There was a number of people I found, and once I found their contact info, and I would write to them. More often than not, I heard nothing in return. I kept trying and eventually someone wrote back. One of my dad's cousins who has 3 sons who are my 2nd cousins. I wrote to each of them, but I only sort of have contact with one of them. I found out he is a dentist in my area. He now actually is my dentist :-)

I had been really wanting to give a talk. When I got the email from Bishop, I was ecstatic :-)

Before I wrote this talk, I prayed for the Spirit to be with me and for me to write what He wants written. I could feel His influence and the writing didn't take too long. Its about 9 pages written. 4 1/2 front to back. I wrote it the night before. I was really really nervous sitting up there waiting. I prayed for Him to use me as a mouthpiece to get what He wants across and for the Spirit to be with me. I feel like He did that. I was much better received than I thought it would be. After sacrament, I had the feeling that I wanted to do it again. I felt so full of the Spirit and so full of happiness and joy. That lasted me almost the whole day.

I'm just really thankful for everything. It was a great experience and I do hope to be able to do it again.