One Year Later

I keep thinking about a flower. Starts off as this small little bud with potential. Once it receives light and water, it can bloom into a beautiful flower. If the bud doesn't receive what it needs, if it's in a dark area and either isn't watered or doesn't get enough rain, the bud withers away. Fortunately, if the bud starts off with soil that it can't grow in, it can be transplanted into nutrient rich soil. Then it can live and flourish. That's kind of like people. If we stay in the darkness and don't get what we need then we can wither away too. If we accept God the Father and Jesus Christ into our lives, then we can be bathed in the light and sins can be washed away through baptism to start off with and the atonement. We can be transplanted out of a bad situation we may have started off with and go into a situation that we can live and thrive. We have a choice, unlike the bud which if starts off bad depends on someone else to move it, we can choose to live in His light and not be subject to the darkness of the adversary. But its exactly that, a choice. We can't wait on someone else to move us. We can/do get help with the process from friends, family, and missionaries. It starts off with a want and a willingness to change and be a better you. Change can be hard, but if its to improve your life, then its worth it.

Everything starts off with a choice. The wonderful gift of agency we are each given.

Thinking back to my conversion, when I'm asked about it, I gloss over the details and start off with that Monday morning, May 2, 2011 when I got the prompting. When giving it to an investigator, or whoever I'm meeting with, with missionaries, they don't need to know the details, just the main points. So that's what I give. Now I'm giving details, still kind of glossed, don't need all the gory details, but this is more in depth. If you've read the first testimony I posted on this blog, then you'll probably know what I'm talking about.

My conversion story starts before May 2, 2011. In the latter part of 2010 and early 2011, I was making a lot of bad choices. Seriously, one mistake after the other, snowballing.. I just didn't stop.. the pull to continue what I was up to was stronger. I remember after each mistake, I knew what I was doing was wrong. Thoughts would come to me, saying things like, you don't need to do this, you're better than the choices you make, this can't keep going on, value yourself, have some respect for yourself, please stop, etc. I would feel guilt and regret. Sometimes agree with those thoughts. But once the opportunity presented itself and I had to make a choice, thoughts would come to mind of, you're not doing anything wrong, how you act is normal, make it easy and just go with it, etc. Those were easier for me to listen to that the chastisements. So I'd go off, make another mistake, after there'd be a light buzz and then a lot of guilt.

That cycle repeated more times than I can count. Slowly and gradually, the thoughts telling me to stop felt stronger than the ones telling me to keep it up. It became harder to do the wrong thing. In the beginning of April, things came to a head. I had kind of a big decision to make. I knew that if I chose to go with it, I would have a lot to regret. I didn't want to make another bad choice. It was getting too hard and I felt worse and worse about myself. I didn't like who I was or who I had become. It was getting harder to look at myself in the mirror each morning without some disgust. Words would come to mind, of a promise I made myself when I was younger. I was going exactly against what I had always told myself. Then it was time to make a choice. I felt like there were two forces in my head at war and I couldn't deal with it. So, instead of going with what I knew, I went with what was easy. The bad choice.

When I came home the next morning, I felt really overwhelmed. I couldn't believe what I had done. I was so ashamed. That was it, I couldn't do it anymore. I made a choice to stop. It was so draining making the bad choices over and over and over. It didn't feel like the war in my head was done, but it was close. I told my myself no more. I would finally listen to and abide by the thoughts telling me to respect and value myself. It was a major decision for me to make. I still felt kind of at a loss.. I couldn't undo what I had done. I had a lot of guilt and regret. When I decided to stop and change I felt stronger and felt good. I knew I was making the right decision for once. The hard part was that I kept wishing that I could start over. Have a fresh start. It was the one thing that I wanted more than anything.

The next night, opportunity to be bad presented itself. I felt uneasy. There was still a pull to do it. What I told myself the previous day came back to me. Of, no more, I'm stopping. I told the person, No. There was a fight so I broke it off and reaffirmed no. I'm not going to make that bad decision again. It felt good to say no. I felt empowered. I knew I was making the right decision. Then the weirdest thing happened... The person, in attempts to convince me otherwise, started to try and remind me of the events that had taken place. I could remember that the basic event had taken place, but of everything else, my mind was a complete blank. It felt weird to not remember. It made the person mad, but I didn't care. Still now, I know of the events leading up to it and that it happened, but of anything else - nothing. Its kind of nice. I don't feel like I'm missing out by not being able to remember.

A couple weeks later I was on a dating site perusing the options. I started talking to this one guy, he seemed ok.. he told me he was Mormon. I didn't know what it meant. He talked about it a little. Mostly bashing. I can't remember exactly what he said, but I remember him complaining about there being a lot of rules and how he's not considered worthy of holding the priesthood, etc. I listened, didn't understand what he meant. I didn't care. I remember thinking he was kind of peculiar. I remember he would get on me for not being a part of any religion which rubbed me the wrong way. It reminded me of high school where I made enemies because of not affiliating with any specific group. We went out once, but obviously it didn't go anywhere.

On Monday, May 2nd, I was at work and I heard a voice in my head tell me to go to mormon.org, fill out a missionary request, and find out more. I still didn't really know anything about it. It didn't make any sense. I told my mom and she sent me the website and different information she found online. I was advised against it... I heard the voice a second time and recognized it as the same one that had been trying to pull me out of the bad cycle I had been in. I reasoned that my life at that point couldn't get any worse. I was already as low as I could get. There was no where to go but up. I had already started to build that ladder.. I figured, what have I got to lose? I went on the website and filled out the request. After, I felt warm and happy. I had made the right choice.

A couple of days later, May 4th, I heard from an online set of missionaries. We talked over email and on the phone a bit. I remember I was at Fred Meyer when they called me. They tried to teach me how to pray. I remember I was trying to be really quiet because I was in a store full of people.

That Friday, May 6th, I was at work when my roommate texted me saying that missionaries just came by. I felt so bad. It was raining heavily that day. I didn't know at that time that missionaries had cars. I thought they had walked there and had been standing outside waiting for me. I felt like that was my chance and I missed it. I was in a sad mood all the rest of the day. Then at 7:55pm I think, my roommate got a call (there is a call box outside the apartment building and his is the phone programmed in) from the missionaries asking if they could come up for the lesson. I was shocked. I immediately said yes. Then I looked at my apartment.. it was a disaster area and I wished I had told him to say no.. but I was just so happy that they came back and that my chance wasn't lost. At 8:00pm they came to the door and I let them in. We had the first lesson, they gave me the Book Of Mormon, and I felt confirmation that this is right.

As the lessons progressed, I knew I had made the correct decision. It felt so good. I knew what they were telling me was true. I knew that the Book Of Mormon was true. It was just the most amazing thing. Then they brought up baptism. That's when hesitation started. I wasn't comfortable with going in the water and I was pretty sure that neither of them could dip me in or bring me back out. Then I was told that with baptism all of my sins would be forgiven, He would remember them no more. I would have a new chance at life. That  was exactly what I needed to hear. I had longed and wished so much. So so much for that. I was in.

Everything happened so fast. There were 2-3 lessons per week. On May 15, I first went to church. I was really nervous. I didn't know anybody but one member and the missionaries. I remember I was invited to view a baptism that night. Instead I took my roommate to the Rammstein concert. That kinda makes me laugh. I don't go to concerts anymore and love going to baptisms.

On May 22, I was baptized. That was easily the best day of my life to date. I was so nervous, jumpy, and excited. I still had nerves about whether or not the Elder could bring me in and out of the water. I put a lot of faith into him. I remember meeting him in the center of the font. My hand near my nose in preparation to hold it. I started laughing when he said my name - I have a long name. I was in and out in matter of seconds. I remember I came out laughing. Didn't stop laughing for some time. I remember I was back in the changing area just jumping, laughing, and exclaiming that I couldn't believe I had done it. A few of my friends came and checked on me a few times. I must have been back there for almost 30 minutes. It was just so so awesome. I can't properly put into words how it feels. I could physically feel my sins being washed away. I was so light and new. I'll never forget it.

The picture below is a drawing I did of what I remember seeing right before I went in the water.

Once I decided to change, then God has been the catalyst in my transformation. Change was fast at first. I hadn't even realized how much I had until one of the Elders told me.

The first few months were great. There was a spiritual surge. I felt the Spirit with me all the time. It saved my life a few times. It was startling. There was a nagging in my mind. Of what I had done to/with the person I was with prior to the change. Not the member, the one prior. I was struggling with it one night during the summer. I heard the Spirit tell me that He has forgiven me, sometimes the hardest to forgive is yourself. I decided I would apologize to him. I was nervous to, but it felt important. I found him on Facebook and wrote to him. I admitted my wrongs, apologized, asked for forgiveness, and sent the message. I felt relief. For a while anyway. Sometimes it would still bother me. I didn't know what else I could do. I had done my part. A few months later, he called me. I was really surprised. He hadn't ever written back to me. We talked and I apologized to him. He accepted my apology and assured me he wasn't mad. At that point I felt all that weight lift off me. It was gone. I no longer feel bad. It's fantastic!


A blessing that took place when I was baptized is, I was healed. About a year prior I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 with psychosis. The psychiatrist wanted to admit me to a program called dialectal behavior therapy (DBT), weekly psych appointments, and get me on medications immediately. I remember when she told me that I wouldn't be able to be by myself ever. I'd always have to have someone with me. I remember when she told me that I'd live it for the rest of my life. I was really scared. It was a bad time for me. I remember that I already felt like I was losing my mind. Then I'd have to deal with all of that. I refused to accept it. I refused it all. I used my work as an excuse to get out of the appointments and the therapy. I would not take any medication. I had really bad experiences with meds previously. The doctors didn't like me for it. I didn't care. I was determined to try and take over my own life and my own mind. I was somewhat successful, but there were times I lost control. After I was baptized, in the coming days I felt so much better. A few months in I realized that I was no longer dealing with the symptoms. The mood swings, psychotic episodes, all of it was gone. I felt, normal. I couldn't remember a time I had felt normal. I am so so so thankful that He healed me of my mental illnesses. I can't begin to describe how thankful I am.


I've gained a love for family history work. In September, I started doing family research. Through a lot of work, I've found many generations. Its been great. The most rewarding part of that has been finding living members of my family. I've found mostly cousins and an aunt. Its been fantastic. Especially when I can communicate with them. One of the cousins I found, is a dentist. Who happens to work in Everett. I needed a dentist. I started going to him and that's been great. I hated going to the dentist as a child. Now though, I see it as a chance to get to know him. Its been a lot of fun. I gained contact with my sister. Its been very slow and gradual with her. Its just great to have contact. I love family!

In September was also my first trip to the Temple. That was really great and I love going so much. Its such a beautiful building. I love it that we have sacred lands and buildings that we, if worthy, have the privilege of attending. Its my goal to one day hold a permanent recommend. I currently hold a temporary recommend. I've got more work to do, but it will be worth it.

I was doing really well. I was working, going to church, reading the scriptures, praying regularly, etc.
That lasted until mid-December. I lost my job. There's been a cycle of injury and illness starting with new years eve. I had stopped reading the scriptures. I had stopped praying. I can't remember why I stopped, I just did. It didn't feel like a priority. There's still been good things happening. Such as, I've been able to participate in our Outreach program, I've made some amazing friends. I've been getting a lot of help from the church which I am thankful for. I obtained my patriarchal blessing. All I have to say about that is that I am looking forward to my life so much more now that I have that.

I learned another lesson about forgiveness. In January, there was a woman at church who made me really angry. There was stuff she was doing and saying about me. I'm not going to go into details, but I felt very disrespected. In my opinion, at the time, she did stuff that went beyond me being able to forgive. I felt justified in my anger. I decided I was going to text her and tell her that I was done with her. She texted me back very confused. Insisting that she didn't know what she had done to upset me, but that she was sorry. I didn't believe her. I was sure that she knew exactly what she had done. A few weeks later I was out with friends. We were talking and I was telling them about what had happened. I still felt justified in my anger. When I got home that night, I felt kind of bad. Like, did I really just say to them what I thought I did? Was I actually proud of being angry? I got a message from the Spirit telling me that He has forgiven her, so why don't I. I was tossed up. I felt kind of stupid to be honest. That Sunday there was a lesson about forgiveness. I realized I was the one in the wrong. She had tried to apologize and I rejected it. I felt that I needed to apologize. Whenever I saw her that morning, I would head towards her, but then other people would surround her and I backed off. After church that day, I had just received a blessing for health. I was dealing with pain from the car accident I was in on New Years Eve and my ankle was busted from a separate accident. I was heading to choir when I saw her in the hallway. I approached her and apologized. She accepted my apology and forgave me. I felt so much better. Then later that day I met with the Bishop and he called me to be a ward missionary. I feel like its connected. If I hadn't stopped and realized I was the one in the wrong, if I hadn't made it right, I don't believe I still would have been called.

I was at institute one night and our instructor was sharing a personal story. The moral of it was that she hadn't stopped to ask for help with her trials. That struck me. I realized that through the trials I've been dealing with, I hadn't once stopped and prayed and asked for help. It seems so simple, yet its so major at the same time. There kept on being lessons about prayer, reading the scriptures, how important it is. Simple, yet important and essential. Later on, I realized that I couldn't feel the Spirit anymore. That scared me so much. It didn't hit me until later that I had needed those lessons. Those warnings. It hadn't occurred to me that He was trying to help me and tell me what I needed to do. I wasn't listening. The problems in my life were self-caused. If I hadn't stopped reading the scriptures and praying, then its possible that all the trials I had been going through may not have happened. At least would have been lighter. I started thinking, what can I do? I had lost one of my phones which I had been using to read the scriptures. I went onto lds.org and realized that I can read or listen to them on there. As well as listen to conference talks. I prayed and repented, promising I would go back to doing what I was supposed to.

Ever since, I pray at least twice a day, listen to the scriptures regularly - I shoot for everyday, and often listen to conference talks. Slowly and gradually things started to get better. I started feeling the Spirit again, which was a huge relief. It was a sign to me that I'm on the right track. That was about a month or two ago I think. I haven't been injured since, which is really great because it had been constant for the first few months of the year. I haven't been sick as often. I'm still unemployed, which I'm praying will end soon. I haven't worked in a little over 6 months. While its been cool to be home, participate in a lot of the missionary opportunities, and go to any of the singles ward activities I want, I really want/need to be working.

I know that if I exercise my faith, pray, read the scriptures, go to church, and fulfill my calling, things will be alright. This last year has been a wild ride. I know I still have changes to make that I am working on. I have changed so much. When I look back to who I was to who I am now, I don't even recognize the old me. I'm glad for that, I like who I am and who I am becoming. I am thankful for my choice to change and to be baptized. I am looking forward to see what the next year will bring. I am forever thankful that I joined the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints.

I testify that the church is true. Joseph Smith Jr was the Prophet. That he was visited by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in the Sacred Grove in 1820. That he translated the Book Of Mormon from the golden plates. That the Book Of Mormon is true. That Heavenly Father exists. That we are all His children. That Jesus Christ lives. That He was sacrificed to bring forth the atonement. That we may be saved if we take upon His name and live according to the commandments. That they love us more than we can ever fully understand. That we have a modern day living prophet and apostles to guide us through these latter days. That President Thomas S Monson is the current prophet, seer, and revelator. That this Is the One True Church.

In His Holy name, the Lord Jesus Christ,

Amen.