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I have a strong testimony of the Church and moreso, the Holy Spirit. I love to tell my testimony any chance I get, so here it goes.. there is a lot of backstory, but it will make sense in the end.
Joining the Church has changed me and my life.
I was born on July 28, 1986 to two wonderful parents. I am the oldest of 4. We belonged to an Episcopal church, but became inactive in it. My teenage years were all sorts of ups and downs. I became mentally ill. I went to 3 different high schools. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it wasn't easy either. Teenage years never are.
At 20yrs, I started to look towards other people for acceptance and found that in a sense with guys, through physical means. I was far from treating my body like a temple...
At 22 years, I moved into a house with my then boyfriend. It was fun for a while... but it was fake. I had developed a skill with being dishonest when I was a child and was really good at it. I had strung him along and told him I wanted to be with him when I really didn't give a care about him at all. There were times when I thought that I could genuinely like him, maybe even love him. It wasn't happening. He was a rather jealous man and we lived with his friends. I was very skinny when I met him. He encouraged laziness and eating alot and I gained a lot of weight being with him. It was something that I resented, but I felt trapped because I needed him financially and I was encased in the lie. I preferred his friends over him and that caused alot of problems. He became very verbally and mentally abusive. At one point we were engaged.. I ended that 2 weeks before our 1yr anniversary by admitting my dishonesty. It was hard to do, but it was something I had to do. I couldn't take it anymore. I was sinking deeper into mental illness and didn't like or care about myself any further. He convinced me to get back together with him. I agreed. There was some thing we were going to do with his friends and he wanted to put on the show of a happy couple. We stayed together for those 2 wks and then he broke up with me the day after our 1 yr anniversary. I remember being happy because that meant I didn’t need to break up with him again. I started drinking after we broke up.
That year I turned 23 and days before my birthday and a month after the previous relationship ended I met a man, Mike. Life was fantastic. I found happiness in him, except my weight was an issue. Things were great until I had a pregnancy scare, which turned out to be nothing. Then that November he lost his job and I supported him and the family that had moved in with us. I was scared of losing him due to a previous breakup and get back together we had that January. So that valentine's day I proposed to him and things started getting better. That March, he started working again and things were starting to even out. That spring I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 with psychosis. I refused treatment and medication due to previous complications. We had alot of ups and downs until he ended the engagement that September 2010. I was scared. I prayed for 2 weeks for us to be happy and for things to be alright. Then that November we offically broke up.
That was a very scary point in my life because I didn't know what I was going to do. I had not yet learned to drive and we had moved up to Everett so I could go to school, but it was very far away from my work. I was upset that my prayer had not been answered. Although I did not belong to a faith, I still thought that I finally deserved to be happy. It was all I wanted. After much pleading, he came back and agreed to be my roommate on a strictly friends level.
I had the crazy idea that he and I could get back together. That maybe if he saw me with other guys, he would became jealous and want me back. So over the following months I was with a number of guys. It didn't work. All I had succeeded in doing was trashing myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had no respect for myself and deeply hated who I had become. I had promised myself when I was younger that I would never drink, never smoke, and wait until marriage to give myself to a man. All that I maintained was I never started smoking.
I decided to try again, desperately looking for some sort of acceptance. In February of this year, I went out with a new guy and found he was still pure. I knew at that point I should have ended it, but I didn't. He fell fast for me and he gave me the attention that I wanted. He accepted me. But I couldn't have cared less about him. All he was to me was a means to an end. But I didn't want to take it from him. I couldn't stand him. He was young and not smart in really an sense of the word. But he wanted to be with me and he was desperate to lose what he had held on to. I knew not to. I knew that I shouldn't. Problem was I had become addicted and that overran my conscience. One night after we headed back from a concert, I did it. After I felt so low. Like the gum on the bottom of someone's shoe. I was so ashamed of myself. But he fell even harder for me. I was warned that would happen. A week after that happened I left him and swore to myself, no more.
A few days later I had started talking to a new guy. He is a member of the Church. But he was always bashing the Church. We met once and it was a flop so we stopped talking.
I had started making changes. I dropped out of college. I couldn’t handle the stress. I swore to myself that I would become celibate until I eventually get married and I stopped drinking. I was never a big drinker. But stopping the other was a more major change.
On Tuesday, May 2, 2011, I was sitting at work when this voice in my head told me to go online to mormon.org and send a missionary request. At first I blew it off, hearing voices wasn't anything new. A few hours later it came back and was louder and repeated until I did it. I didn't really know anything about the Church. I figured, what have I got to lose? I was already at the bottom as far as I was concerned. I told my mom and she did research for me, sending me stuff about the Church. I had some concerns, but blew it off. I figured after all the crap I had done I was beyond any sort of salvation.
That Friday, May 6, my roommate texted me saying that two missionaries had come by that I had sent the request about. I was at work, so I figured, well there went my chance. That night at 8:00pm, they came back. Our apartment building has a call box system set up to my roommate's phone for this room. I was tired and wanted to send them away. But I felt bad because it was pouring rain all day and I felt bad that they had to be in the rain earlier. So I told my roommate to go ahead and buzz them in. I was suddenly aware of how messy my place was, but it was too late to do anything about it. When they came to the door I became very nervous, when I opened it and found the two young men in suits standing there waiting to be let in. I remember thinking, whoa they are here to talk to me!
I looked forward to every lesson, I was absorbing it all up like a sponge. It all made sense. I didn't feel the need to question it and I like to question things. What appealed me to me the most I think out of all of it was the ability to repent and atone for my sins and that with baptism I would be given a new life. A new chance to do things right. It was something I was desperate for and couldn't believe that it was being offered to me. I hesitated at being baptized because I had a fear of being in the water and going backwards.
I first went to Church on May 15th, I felt out of place and at home at the same time. I made a few instant friends. I remember feeling weird because that night I took my roommate to the Rammstein concert.
I was baptized that following Sunday May 22nd. I will forever remember that day as the best day of my life. I don't remember much of it, except it went fast and I remember bursting into laughter as I came back out of the water. I felt so light, fresh, clean, new, and extremely happy. I took forever changing, they came and checked on me 2-3 times because I was just standing back there laughing my butt off in disbelief that I actually had done it.
I was confirmed on May 29th. I remember feeling the rush and instant comfort and I knew the Spirit was with me and will always be.
I had not realized how much I've changed since the baptism until one of the missionaries told me. I like to reflect between who I was and who I am now. I am happy. I like who I am. I am no longer under the influence of Satan. I follow the Word Of Wisdom. I abide by the Law Of Chastity. I don't swear anymore, my vocabulary used to consist of primarily swear words. I haven't missed a day of Church except for one when I took my roommate to the hospital. I have found extended family. I have a great relationship with my parents. I love my family so much. I got my driver's license on June 3rd. I have written many poems through promptings of the Spirit. My life has been spared many times due to promptings of the Spirit. I have been able to receive inspiration about friends through the Spirit. Something kind of amazing, since joining the Church, I have been cured of my mental illnesses. I no longer have them, nor experience any past symptoms of them. I have almost all together stopped being dishonest. I found that the prayer I had sent for Mike and I to be happy was answered. He is my roommate and the best friend I've ever had and overall, we are happy.
At one point I thought that Mike and I could get back together again. I prayed on it a good deal. It was answered, no. Not romantically anyway, but that he will always be a part of my life. I am happy being single. I finally don't need a man to feel accepted. I do eventually want to meet a righteous man and get married, etc. I dream of being a missionary first. I feel like its something I am supposed to and want to do. In July I was prompted to write to the kid I had taken the v-card from and I apologized. On October 25th he wrote back to me, accepting my apology. I no longer feel any of the guilt that I had been holding onto. I am back in the college that I dropped out of earlier this year! I can't count all the blessings in my life through joining the Church, there is so many! I'm so thankful for it all!
I know without a shadow of a doubt that God exists, He is our Heavenly Father. That Jesus Christ is his only begotten son and our Redeemer and Savior. That He sent us the Holy Spirit to be with us - I am so thankful for that!!! I recently learned that if you clear out all the excess thoughts in your mind that you can hear the Spirit's small still voice loud and clear. That Joseph Smith Jr is the Prophet and that he reestablished His Church back on the earth. That President Thomas S Monson is the Living Prophet. That the scriptures are true. That they are the words of God and Jesus Christ. That this is the One True Church!!!
In the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen
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